Well, this is going to be a quick blog post to get a thought out there that maybe needs more refinement but I think is important to get out nonetheless. In short, we’ve been going through some intense things with my 10-year-old daughter. And, to be honest, I was befuddled. I’ve read all the books and put in all the effort to be a validating, nurturing parent. We did all the things–or so it felt. We learned to breathe in to a count of 4 and out to a count of 4. I’ve been consistently teaching her (or so I thought I was consistent) to acknowledge her emotion, stay with it, get her bearings, and then decide to act. I’ve been trying to explain situations so she understands better how people react to her. We are growth mindset (to a fault) and see mistakes as opportunities for learning. And yet when she receives any amount of criticism, to include getting homework questions wrong or having a little brother say she is “annoying” or having a peer not accept her advice, she can become aggressive with other children and herself to the point that it’s nerve wrackingly worrisome. Her emotions are all over the place. She cannot self regulate and she is prone to catastrophic thinking.

I went into turbo drive mode to figure this out. I’ve been reading books non stop. I’ve since learned it’s not the behavior of a “brat,” as some would say–though, no, I never thought this. I just want to emphasize that my previous attempts at mostly non-punitive, validating parenting probably weren’t at fault. Instead, she ticks off every single personality trait for a child who does this. (My other children, who were raised similarly, don’t do this.) She is highly emotionally sensitive, a perfectionist, a girl, and she started puberty early–way before her rational mind could handle all of those hormone-related emotions. Early puberty, by the way, is linked to a healthy diet and a heavy birth weight, both which describe her (she was a bit over 8-1/2 pounds if I remember right). In reading, however, I had an epiphany. Many of my previous attempts to help give her emotional regulation relied on teaching her emotional regulation instead of emotionally regulating her. I would talk to her about identifying her emotion, etc. What she needs, however, is someone to emotionally regulate her. For instance, instead of asking her to hold her emotion, she needs someone to hug her and hold that emotion with her until it passes. We did do that and have done that, but she needed a ton more.

In truth, I think validating emotions and such is lovely and an attempt to break down authoritarian, often misogynistic parenting, but it’s just not enough and not really integral to what children need. Children need a tremendous amount of care. They need to be fed, to be kept safe, to be kept away from bad people or friends, to stay warm, to have lots of loving people around. Our family has been at a disadvantage for some time. When my children were young, we moved to a new city with no family and no other meaningful social networks. For my daughter, this lack of social cohesion was almost the equivalent of not getting milk as an infant. Without a grandparent around, for instance, when she was 5 or 6, she would cry, distraught, telling us that as I was the oldest person in our family she knew, I would be the first to die. Simply not having grandparents around made her wobbly. I also believe that some of what we deal with is biological. When my daughter was young, she would blame herself for her younger brother crying. No one ever blamed her and we explained over and over that it wasn’t her fault, but she felt it was to her bones. She self-blames and self-punishes. It’s so hard to watch. Sometimes I wonder if this is a decent reason to space kids apart more, but alas.

Yes, we are getting her the tools and treatment she needs. She keeps asking to know how to deal with her thoughts better and how to maintain relationships. I have found that DBT therapy does exactly this. I am again befuddled, because all of the things it proposes to teach, including emotional regulation and distress management, I thought I had been teaching her this whole time. However, I am grateful for a comprehensive program that teaches it. Deep down, I have been worried about her and her future for some time. I read about other people who have her personality–perfectionist and internalizing–and they are prone to some seriously rash things. They have a deep sense of justice, so they act quickly and boldly, but if they get the shame of those around them, they wilt. And they are always extremely talented and driven people, just like my daughter. I hope that getting yet stronger tools, for her and me, helps her now and in the future. This is a recent picture of one of my daughter’s, age 10, drawings just because:

I would say children 10 and under especially need to be emotionally regulated, because I found children mellow out at age 11. Age 9-11 was and is intense for us. I also don’t think it’s bad to teach emotional regulation tools to children age 10 and under. I just don’t think it’s enough.

On a bit of a side note, I think the world needs the kind of energy my daughter brings. She is a perfectionist and will make things right. We live in a world that is just a bit cheap; one that has let our diet and other majorly important aspects of life deteriorate. My daughter can whip things into shape like no other–she is a true talent. I wonder if we are where we are because highly sensitive, intuitive, driven types aren’t making it out of childhood well. They are a lot to handle–because they have a lot to give. To say my daughter, who already writes her own fiction, who is told she has the writing level of a seventh grader while in fourth grade, who easily has the reading comprehension of an eleventh grader, who gets on stage and sings her heart out in plays, is gifted is an understatement. Truly, I think she can change the world, and I want to be right there with her to do it or at least watch it. I hope that writing this, encouraging people to up the level of care and empathy they have for sometimes explosive children, can help any other parent of similarly talented children.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate your empathy, experience, and support,

Amber