Preschool Conflict Resolution Tool: Family Meetings

With both my oldest son and daughter, around the time they were 4 years old, I got to my absolute wit’s end with them. My son, slightly older than 4, was aggressive, threw things, slammed doors, and was out of control. My daughter, a few months younger than 4, became extremely whiny and meltdown-y. She also decided to enforce rules on her younger brother, which meant she was sometimes aggressive with him. With both of my older children, I found myself on two separate nights, one for each of them, up very late wondering what I could do different, how I could re-center to be the mom I wanted to be. With both at this age, I turned to family meetings.

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A person can only take so much of this

I read about family meetings and how to run them in a Positive Discipline: Preschoolers and it was recommended to start them around 4 years old. I find at 4 children become very into the rules. They can not only follow them but they argue about them and understand the nuanced detailed of them. Recruiting them into helping the family solve problems by talking about how the family can run (the family’s “rules”) can work beautifully.

Each issue must be singled out. Make it clear, in your own mind mostly, that it’s the issue being addressed, not the child themselves. For my son, the issues were:

  1. Jumping on the couch too much
  2. Throwing things over the balcony
  3. Hitting his sister

For my daughter it was

  1. Not getting her own silverware (and becoming very whiny for someone to get it)
  2. Interrupting us often

At this age, what they likely need most is clear instructions about how things should go. Where should they put their dishes when done? If you don’t need their input, you might give an individual lesson–say about how to shut the door quietly. If it’s something more on-going or involving several family members, you might gather the family together. I talk about how I handled my son at this age in the post, “The Time my 4-year-old Went Bonkers.”

A family meeting must be held in a positive, upbeat way that focuses on gaining everyone’s input and problem solving–not on lecturing the children about their “bad” behavior. An ideal meeting at this age targets at most 2 issues. The start of the meeting should be positive and make it clear it is not an accusatory get together. One idea to make it positive is to start by giving each child a compliment.

I found with my son that he had some big emotions locked in him. I was stunned by the amount of emotions that just poured out of him. I also found he had some very erroneous ideas about how to handle his pesky sister–he thought he could cut off her hand with a light saber. This is to be expected from a 4-year-old–conflict resolution is a skill set that develops over time. What you are after with a meeting is really their side of the story. What’s going on inside them mentally and emotionally? What do they need? It is likely to come out that they do need something from you. My son told me, “I’m so lonely when you are not near me.”

I found marked improvement after family meetings. Not 100% improvement but improvement. I don’t regard any solution found in a meeting as permanent. If it’s not working, go back and rework. You might not find any solution at all. And that’s Ok. Attempting to deal with the problem straight on is the important part, not de facto dealing with it when you scream, “JUST GET YOUR OWN DAMN SPOON.” If anything, at the end of a family meeting, it recentered me as I at least felt I was being proactive and thinking about the situation.

If you are really struggling, remember it’s temporary and also that it is growth! Many of these big changes in them in the preschool years relate to emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. While these parts are “under construction,” the child becomes very difficult to deal with. But if you can guide it in a healthy way, you’ll reap the benefits from a child who has outstanding social skills after it’s all done. This is the idea behind my book series about this, Misbehavior is Growth. It just, you know, might take two years.

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See my book Misbehavior is Growth: An Observant Parent’s Guide to the Toddler Years

6 thoughts on “Preschool Conflict Resolution Tool: Family Meetings

  1. Ilene Skeen says:

    “I found myself on two separate nights, one for each of [the children], up very late wondering what I could do different, how I could re-center to be the mom.”

    To re-center as the mom, there is one simple rule: parents make the rules, so your rules must be just and they must be obeyed and punishment, whatever it is, even if it is a spanking, must never be given in anger.

    Your home-school educational programs with your kids have taught them to love learning and love life — and implicitly or explicitly they know that their life belongs to them. But you need to reinforce the other side of the equation — that no one else’s life belongs to them, because each person’s life is their own (including you.)

    The disruptions you are experiencing with the kids is evidence of the fact that you have bent over backwards to explain, explain, explain, and the kids are able to challenge you on every turn. You have given them the benefit of doubt in terms of assuming that they don’t understand, but now you are finding out that they are testing your rules and they understand them too well.

    My mother had this problem with me, and let me tell you, it subsides around 11 years of age, but comes back with a vengeance in the teen years . You want to cure this now, when they are young.

    The concept you are missing is justice. You are doing everything for your kids and you are glad to do it, but there is a catch — by the time your kids are 4 there are things they need to be able to do for themselves that you used to do — putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, folding clean clothes and putting them in their drawers. Keeping their play area tidy when they finish playing, etc. You are not the slave of your children. You make a rule. You show them how to conform with the rule. And then you enforce the rule. That doesn’t mean that you necessarily hit. You confirm that they understand the rule, but when you know that
    the rule is understood, you tell them “This is a rule, and you need to follow it.”

    For example, one of the worst rules you mentioned is “no jumping on the couch too much.” Tell your son, no jumping on the couch at all. The couch is not a jumping place. Period. Couches cost money and some day your son will be heavy enough to break the couch when he jumps on it or he could break his face if he falls off the couch into a coffee table. You don’t want to find out when that day comes by your having a broken couch or your son having a broken nose. No jumping on the couch at all. When he is 8 or 9 he can get him a Pogo stick if they still make them (and if he has been responsible), meanwhile he has to find a good jumping place — and you will help him, but it won’t be on your couch and it won’t be on a bed either.

    About children domineering over their younger siblings, there may be some jealousy — because you help the younger ones more than the older ones, but the most important thing that each child needs to learn — and will serve them their entire life, is that their life belongs to them, but no one else’s life belongs to them. Ask you older son how he would like it if his sister was way bigger than him and could boss him around. He wouldn’t. You need to emphasize that might does not make right.

    Now because you’re bigger than the three kids, it might seem like you shouldn’t really enforce the rules, because you’re bigger. However as a parent, bigger makes you more powerful, but what makes you right is a clear concept of justice and how it has to be applied in every day life for the entire household to be in harmony.

    As soon as you recognize that a child is old enough to do a household task, ask them to watch you do it, and then graciously turn the task over to them — it’s their job now, and you expect them to do, because if they do their job and you do yours, you will both have more quality time to be with each other doing things that you both like to do.

    I remember when my son, about 5 decided that he wasn’t hungry at dinner. My doctor had told me never force a child to eat. So I covered the dinner plate in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge. This was not a food he didn’t like. He was just not in the mood for it apparently.

    Some hours later, my son asked for his dessert. I brought out the dinner and said, you have to eat this first, I’ll warm it up. He was shocked. He decided he would skip the dessert.

    The next day, at dinner time, my husband and I got our dinner (new food), and my son got the dinner that he wouldn’t eat the day before. I said, here it is. I warmed it up for you. My son said, “You’re going to make me eat it?” “No,” I said, “But I’m not going to make anything else for you until you eat it. My job is not to read your mind or guess what you want for dinner. I have a variety of things I make, and sometimes I’ll ask you and sometimes I won’t.”

    The fact that I explained my feeding him as a “job” that I was going to do in a certain way, make him see me as a person in my own right for the first time — not an extension of his wants and needs.

    I would strongly advise against “family councils” unless you and your husband are on absolutely the same page (like the board of directors at a business meeting). Otherwise, children become geniuses at driving wedges between you. You don’t want to go there, imo.

    1. Amber says:

      Hi Ilene,
      I am sorry, but I don’t like being lectured like this. If you would like to approach me with curiosity, I would be open to further discussion.

  2. Ilene Skeen says:

    “I found myself on two separate nights, one for each of [the children], up very late wondering what I could do different, how I could re-center to be the mom.”

    To re-center as the mom, there is one simple rule: parents make the rules, so your rules must be just, they must be obeyed, and punishment, whatever it is, even if it is a spanking, must never be given in anger.

    Your home-school educational programs with your kids have taught them to love learning and love life — and implicitly or explicitly they know that their life belongs to them. But you need to reinforce the other side of the equation — that no one else’s life belongs to them, because each person’s life is their own (including you.)

    The disruptions you are experiencing with the kids is evidence of the fact that you have bent over backwards to explain, explain, explain, and the kids are able to challenge you on every turn. You have given them the benefit of doubt in terms of assuming that they don’t understand, but now you are finding out that they are testing your rules and they understand them too well.

    My mother had this problem with me, and let me tell you, it subsides around 11 years of age, but comes back with a vengeance in the teen years . You want to cure this now, when they are young.

    The concept you are missing is justice. You are doing everything for your kids and you are glad to do it, but there is a catch — by the time your kids are 4 there are things they need to be able to do for themselves that you used to do — putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, folding clean clothes and putting them in their drawers. Keeping their play area tidy when they finish playing, etc. You are not the slave of your children. You make a rule. You show them how to conform with the rule. And then you enforce the rule. That doesn’t mean that you necessarily hit. You confirm that they understand the rule, but when you know that
    the rule is understood, you tell them “This is a rule, and you need to follow it.”

    For example, one of the worst rules you mentioned is “no jumping on the couch too much.” Tell your son, no jumping on the couch at all. The couch is not a jumping place. Period. Couches cost money and some day your son will be heavy enough to break the couch when he jumps on it or he could break his face if he falls off the couch into a coffee table. You don’t want to find out when that day comes by your having a broken couch or your son having a broken nose. No jumping on the couch at all. When he is 8 or 9 he can get a Pogo stick if they still make them (and if he has been responsible), meanwhile he has to find a good jumping place — and you will help him, but it won’t be on your couch and it won’t be on a bed either.

    About children domineering over their younger siblings, there may be some jealousy — because you help the younger ones more than the older ones, but the most important thing that each child needs to learn — and will serve them their entire life, is that their life belongs to them, but no one else’s life belongs to them. Ask you older son how he would like it if his sister was way bigger than him and could boss him around. He wouldn’t. You need to emphasize that might does not make right.

    Now because you’re bigger than the three kids, it might seem like you shouldn’t really enforce the rules, because you’re bigger. However as a parent, bigger makes you more powerful, but what makes you right is a clear concept of justice and how it has to be applied in every day life for the entire household to be in harmony.

    As soon as you recognize that a child is old enough to do a household task, ask them to watch you do it, and then graciously turn the task over to them — it’s their job now, and you expect them to do, because if they do their job and you do yours, you will both have more quality time to be with each other doing things that you both like to do.

    I remember when my son, about 5 decided that he wasn’t hungry at dinner. My doctor had told me never force a child to eat. So I covered the dinner plate in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge. This was not a food he didn’t like. He was just not in the mood for it apparently.

    Some hours later, my son asked for his dessert. I brought out the dinner and said, you have to eat this first, I’ll warm it up. He was shocked. He decided he would skip the dessert.

    The next day, at dinner time, my husband and I got our dinner (new food), and my son got the dinner that he wouldn’t eat the day before. I said, here it is. I warmed it up for you. My son said, “You’re going to make me eat it?” “No,” I said, “But I’m not going to make anything else for you until you eat it. My job is not to read your mind or guess what you want for dinner. I have a variety of things I make, and sometimes I’ll ask you and sometimes I won’t.”

    He ate his yesterday dinner, and then had dessert.

    The fact that I explained my feeding him as a “job” that I was going to do in a certain way, make him see me as a person in my own right for the first time — not an extension of his wants and needs.

    I would strongly advise against “family councils” unless you and your husband are on absolutely the same page (like the board of directors at a business meeting). Otherwise, children become geniuses at driving wedges between you. You don’t want to go there, imo.

  3. Ilene Skeen says:

    Understood. Sorry to have offended you. I was trying to be helpful. It didn’t appear that you needed questions from me. It appeared that you wanted acknowledgement — which I didn’t give you enough of — and solutions — which I gave you mine.

    Only you know what will work for you and your kids, like I know what worked for me. Your blog is awesome, and you’ve done a lot with your kids. You should be proud.

    In this post, I thought you were asking for help, so I tried to give it. Again, sorry.

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